It's the end

The end of the bread, that is.

Crusty bread is the holy grail, North Pole, the comfortable 4-inch heel, the low-calorie cheesecake (that doesn't taste like cottage cheese), the Design Within Reach that really is within reach of the gluten-free food world. I don't know if Shackleton or Hillary welcomed other explorers into their quests, but I certainly can't be . . . well . . . that picky. First, I don't have the patience. Second, I don't have million-dollar backers.

So I was glad to hear that a local company was taking a stab at the quandary of crusty gluten-free bread. The company's still nameless, but Lacy Gillham and Jan Taborsky gave JFG a loaf to try.

I'll be honest. That loaf, while a little less crumbly and stiff than most gluten-free bread and with slightly more taste, didn't really represent much of a break-through for the celiac world.

Then one Sunday afternoon, while we were napping, a second loaf came flying through Murray's doggy door and landed on the kitchen floor. An unconventional method of delivery, yes. But you know what? It was fairly crusty. It had a taste of its own, and it held together for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was a little spongy, as bread should be and, while it still wasn't "tearable," I was able to feed JFG bread and Nutella for the first time in several years.

I would love to tell you what the bread is called and where to get it. I can't -- although from their promotional materials it looks like we can expect to see them at Salem Saturday Market sometime soon. I can post a couple of photos, left (as you can see, we've reached the end of the bread), and give you an email address: lacyandjan@gmail.com. I'm not suggesting that evolution of gluten-free bread should stop -- this version is still pretty dense and, um, durable. But I can certainly respect and recommend a very worthy fellow traveler.

Utter failure

I admit it. After a fairly good run of focaccia and some decent raspberry brownies, I got a little ahead of myself and decided to try pita.

When JFG and I were first married, I learned how to make pita. I can't remember precisely why, but it seems like we made pita every week for months and months at a time. In fact, it's one of only two recipes I have completely memorized.

Last night, I tried to make Moosewood Cookbook (circa 1992) pita using Gluten-Free Creations Basic Flour Mix.

First of all, the dough didn't rise. Always a bad sign, especially when I'm using brand new yeast.

Second, it was as tough as old chewing gum -- the kind of dough that wears your arms out to roll. I actually abandoned rolling after a couple of goes and simply beat the dough to death with the palm of my hand.

Finally, it didn't puff up. Now, I can be flexible. I have often made un-puffy pitas by accident and simply announced that were having flatbread instead. Flatbread or pitas -- they're both really just sauce and meat vehicles anyway, hmmm?

But these were really flat. They had the consistency of dried-out, cracked old leather on the outside and were underbaked on the inside. JFG ate them anyway, bless him, but I think that's just because it was the only way to get the lamb and cucumber-dill sauce to his mouth.

Fear not! I have identified a new recipe and shall try again soon.

Not because it is easy, but because it is hard

Bread fascinates me. Not only did the ability to produce bread play a role in separating successful from unsucessful cultures (see Jared Diamond's Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed), bread -- or lack thereof -- has incited populous riots and measured the competency of governments. No wonder I believe that my ability to produce the humble substance somewhat also indicates my qualifications as food provisioner.

Believe me, after a few tries at bread made with grains other than wheat, I can see why producing wheat made or broke societies. Non-wheat bread requires at least air-tight packaging, access to several types of flours at once, and cold storage to stabilize the prepared bread. Difficult now, impossible 5,000 years ago.

Unable to consign myself to failure, however, I've continued my search for decent gluten-free bread. This week, I tried Gluten-Free Pantry's French Bread & Pizza. I basically followed the "oven method" instructions on the back of the box, using milk and vegetable oil. But I added about about a tablespoon and a half of crushed rosemary and about two tablespoons of garlic.

I spread the dough in a pie plate to make focaccia (instead of proper french bread or pizza crust), left it to rise for 40 minutes in a warm oven, and based it for 45 minutes. In the end, I had steamy, fairly crusty bread that sounded hollow when tapped.

In fairness, it maintained many of the qualities of other types of gluten-free bread. It was more crumbly than chewy, impossible to tear and it dried out fairly quickly, although it tasted great and, if consumed in the first 24 hours, would have made good sandwich bread. Next time, I'll add more rosemary, garlic and possibly some parmesan cheese -- like most gluten-free foods, the taste has to come from the added ingredients and not from the bread itself. But I'll give it points for ease and a slightly softer texture than other products.

Cracking the German (chocolate) code

Several years ago, my aunt who doesn't really cook bought me a cookbook for Christmas. I love cookbooks. I have dozens, most of which I use for only one or two fantastic recipes -- but I love the sheer clutter and weight they bring to my kitchen. And the more dilapidated the better, as it suggests that I am such a good and prolific cook that I cannot be bothered with cleanliness.

Back to the book, Betty Crocker's Ultimate Cake Mix Cook Book. The premise is that it's possible to make a cake mix (good heavens) into a dessert that appears to require actual skill. Having it on my shelves is almost as humiliating as setting out a coffee table book of pornography.

But you cannot beat the German Chocolate Bars. Not only are they terrific, they're easy, successful every time, store well and almost never stick to the pan. They're my go-to dessert in a pinch, and only require chocolate cake mix, German chocolate frosting, chocolate chips, butter and milk.

Naturally, JFG loves them. But until Betty Crocker starting producing gluten-free mixes, it was impossible to get the algorithm right. It still takes some fiddling, as the gluten-free chocolate cake mix only makes an 8x8 inch (thick) or 9x9 inch (thin) cake. So, use the recipe at the link but make the following substitutions:

-- Use half a cup of butter instead of 2/3
-- Use 1/8 of a cup of milk
-- Use 3/4 of the container of coconut pecan frosting (and only use Betty Crocker frosting -- it's gluten-free)

And to spread the cake batter, do it with very wet hands. Keep a close eye on the pan in the oven and remove it as soon as the top is dry to the touch. Also note that, like most other gluten-free desserts, this needs to stay in the fridge.

But make sure you keep this our secret. I'd rather people think that the bars are some mysterious form of alchemy that only I know.

Not quite egg-foo-young, but not far from it

Say what you will about Disneyland Chinese food, but you have to appreciate P.F. Chang's ubiquitous and reliable gluten-free menu. Eugene, Portland, Sacramento -- when in doubt and exhausted by the gluten negotiation we usually experience in other restaurant, P.F. Changs provides unimaginative and geographically non-specific but safe gluten-free food. And the serving staff is almost always reasonably knowledgeable about food preparation precautions, to the point of bringing a separate plate of sauces for the celiac at the table.

I must especially praise the flourless chocolate dome (or, as our most recent waiter termed it, the "big ball of chocolate"). Dense, deep and covered with berries, it was delicious. Yes, it was just about the only gluten-free dessert option, but it was really the only one we needed!

Adventurous? No. Sophisticated? Only to people who buy faux-aged Chinese statues at Pier One Imports. Comfortable? You bet.

Chewing on disappointment just like it was chewy, chewy bread

Strangely, I'm disappointed. But I shouldn't be surprised.

The Great Harvest Bread Company near my office sent an email out on Monday announcing that it was now serving gluten-free white bread and gluten-free cheddar and garlic bread. I was thrilled. To date they've only made gluten-free versions of their really seedy breads like Dakota, which JFG will not eat. As a result, my family's one option for really good gluten-free bread vanished like, well, the loaf of Great Harvest Bread we donated to the women's softball team last year.

But white bread? And -- even better -- cheddar garlic bread? Now, I thought, we're in business. I had visions of sandwiches. And bread with salads. And toast. How beautiful.

Today, I returned to the email to find out the baking schedule for these luxuries, and happened to scroll to the bottom of the page. That's where I saw it.

"Please note that we are a whole wheat bakery, therefore; this product is not recommended for customers with the serious autoimmune disorder, Celiac Disease, as it may contain trace amounts of whole wheat flour."

I shouldn't be surprised. But I am. And disappointed -- this announcement, if it is true and justified, should be on all nutritional information, not at the end of an occasional email. Shame, Great Harvest.

Gone fishin'

No, seriously, I would never go fishing. Why would I get up voluntarily at 4:00 a.m. to stand in rubber pants in a frozen lake, being eaten by mosquitoes, for the opportunity to injure and abandon fish when I can go to my local grocery store and buy Starfish Gluten Free Crispy Battered Cod?

JFG likes fish and chips, and while we can get great gluten-free versions at the Hawthorn Fish House in Portland (yum -- almost everything on the menu is gluten-free) it's a pain to have to drive 60 miles for fairly simple food.

And then a colleague told me about Starfish products -- namely the cod, although it comes in two other fish, like haddock as well -- which are stocked by my local grocery store. I finally talked JFG into frozen fish last night, namely by letting us run out of every other food except cereal and then discouraging his attempts to go out.

Admittedly my expectations were low. However, the fish was pretty good! We baked it for 13 minutes in the oven as recommended on the packaging, and then JFG ate it with about a cup of tarter sauce for garnish. You won't shut your eyes and imagine you're eating fish out of newspaper in the middle of a road at midnight in London, mind you, but I think we'd eat it again. And it would be great for fish tacos. If ONE of us ate fish tacos.

And so, three rice flours. Hawthorn's does better, but minus the sixty miles Starfish works in a pinch.