Celiac saves the day

Many of my posts have decried the amount of fat and calories available . . . nay, unavoidable! . . . in a gluten -free diet.

In fact, my mom recently found a way to bread and fry oysters without using panko or bread crumbs (both, of course, off the gluten-free menu). I daresay this would work for calamari, shrimp, or any other kind of light meat you might choose to fry. The secret was Arrowhead Mills Gluten-Free All Purpose Baking Mix, made from brown rice flour. JFG loved it, as did my celiac-free parents. I was so excited that I turned the box around to see if the company provided additional recipes. They did (joy)! For biscuits and banana bread (yay)! Both recipes involve soy yogurt and rice drink. Screeching halt. Sorry, folks -- I really only have the bandwidth for one set of food issues at a time.

I digress. Here's how celiac disease saved the day.

On Saturday, JFG and I met some friends at Adam's Rib in downtown Salem, a rib place that smells absolutely divine inside, all smoked meat and fried potatoes. Two of JFG's colleagues and one of their friends had committed to taking on the Goliath, a food feat that required consumption of a three-pound burger with fixins and a pound of fries. As it turns out, they had invited JFG to join them in greased suicide. Fortunately, not only could you never make a gluten-free hamburger bun this size that would hold together, but the fries were prepared in grease also used for hush puppies (fried flour and cornmeal).

I was going to download some photos of the entire disgusting contest -- served on serving trays the size of a bicycle wheel -- but when I plug my phone in to transfer the image files, the phone seems to think it's charging. Perhaps it cannot bare to relive the event. Suffice to say, no one finished the meal and everyone had the wisdom the stop eating when defeat was inevitable.

Food won. Also, I think Jesse won. That platter contained enough food to instantly condemn at least a couple of arteries in your average 34 year old.