Routines

My routines at 30:

• Morning: shower and wash hair with whatever shampoo seems to offer the hope of volume; brush teeth; flip hair upside down and blow dry while attempting to keep bangs from standing straight up and avoiding passing out from blood rushing to head; lip liner and lipstick; maybe eyeliner, maybe not. Go. Fifteen minutes.
• Evening: clean face with make-up remover wipes; brush teeth; take medicine. Bed. Five minutes.

My routines at 33:

• Morning: clean face with microderm abrasion wipes; brush teeth; apply hydroquinone to erase dark skin spots; slather on moisturizer with sunscreen; frost the layer cake with foundation; lip liner, eye liner, mascara; mousse hair and flip upside down to dry but not too much; stand up and avoid passing out from blood rushing away from head; continue to blow-dry on low and straighten with flat brush (okay, this is one of the good skills age has brought); smooth hair with expensive hair-smoothing stuff; perfume; wash hands which now smell like a very clean brothel. Go. Twenty minutes.
• Evening: remove make-up with make-up remover; clean face with microderm abrasion wipes; moisturize because I read that failing to moisturize at night means that your skin will sag into folds as you sleep, especially if you sleep on your face; apply hydroquonine and anti-acne medicine; brush teeth; brush teeth again with special enamel-hardening leave-in toothpaste; gag; take medicine; rub anti-cellulite cream on legs; put in nightguard. Wash hands, which now smell like a hospital. Bed. Twenty minutes.

I'm losing twenty-five minutes a day. That's 152 hours a year. And yet, in the scheme of personal obsessions, I'm skipping so much -- hair masks, leave-in conditioners, regular foot-sanding, facial masks, blackhead extractions, exfoliating creams, eye creams, botox, peels, oxygenating facials, eyelash permanents, eyebrow tints, whitening tooth bleaching. But the time those would all take force me to a decision. Do I want to be a well-rounded, accomplished person with skin like indoor-outdoor carpeting and dark eye-circles, or a smooth and shiny person with the intellectual curiosity and skill set of a kitchen sponge?